Reading Barb’s post this evening really resonated with me. Often children fall out with their friends and make up the same day while we parents go on worrying about it. They have disagreements with one another about what game to play, who has the coolest toys etc… there are valuable lessons to be learned by children in such instances and it’s important for children to be given the freedom to express their opinions (though not in physical anger, obviously). It’s important for children to defend themselves against verbal attack, or downright snidey remarks.
For the most part, children usually get over the petty fall-outs pretty swiftly but when our children have been emotionally hurt, it is often far harder for we parents to ‘let it go’ than it is for our children.
For example, my daughter is 15 and has been close friends with a girl, (a vicars daughter in fact) for the last 8 years. My daughters friend has had a more priviledged life due in part to her parents being middle class professionals, and then in part too, because my daughters friend has had the benefit of having a stable family life with two loving parents and has not been so unfortunate as to endure the family traumas that our family has.
As a single parent on a low income, my children are entitled by law to some assistance in financing their school meals. This has never been a problem and as far as I know, my childen have never endured any jibes about it as the area in which we reside isn’t exactly economically affluent, and our financial position is par for the course.
My daughter, being a ‘studious’ pupil, was offered on two occasions recently, a tour of the local university. This is part of a Government/school incentive to try to get pupils with academic potential – specifically those whose parents are in a lower financial bracket – into university.
I know this.
My daughter knows this.
There is no shame in this.
My daughters friend was rather put out about my daughter being asked to twice go along to the University however, and rather than congratulate my daughter on being recognised as having potential, remarked something along the lines of;
“well, it’s because you get free school meals and you’re less likely to be able to go to a decent University … I’ll probably get asked to Oxford”.
I was absolutely livid about this when my daughter told me about it. I bit my tongue depsite seeing my daughters friend every day and engaging in pleasantries with her, but beneath the surface I was seething.
My daughter and her friend had already begun to grow apart, but this was the icing on the cake. The friendship now exists merely because it would be churlish to end it at a time when there is but one year left of High School to complete and then they’ll go their separate ways at Sixth Form College.
But really, aren’t kid’s cruel?
I’m proud of my daughter, she has gone through so much and she is beautiful, bright and a pleasure to be around (a lot of the time) … so maybe we aren’t well off, maybe we’re underprivileged even, but we’re decent, honest, unpretencious people. So what if we don’t have the branded clothes, the expensive labels mean nothing to us. Whether it be on an item of clothing or on a university…and I’m glad about that.
Love
Well I come from the same kind of family, but I had a stepdad and stepmom! Most of my parents were very supportive. The only friends I lost during my years who could not accept the finacial differences are friends I do not mind losing!
Now as an adult I have a different problem. I now have to figure out how to fit into their world to better myself! This is MUCH more difficult for me. So keep praying for her, she will make it.
I’d say it sounds like your daughter is fortunate to have a mother who loves her as you do; I’ll pray for her friend’s heart to become a little warmer and a tad less frozen! Patience and charity will endure. +JMJ+ JB
“I’m proud of my daughter, she has gone through so much and she is beautiful, bright and a pleasure to be around (a lot of the time) … so maybe we aren’t well off, maybe we’re underprivileged even, but we’re decent, honest, unpretencious people.”
Which means, in fact, that you are very well off indeed and that there are plenty of people with truck loads more bees and honey than you have who are not as well off as you.
Am I right?
Oh! Dear! Owen is so right! Give her kisses and hugs and tell her that I went through something very similar this past week and I am 53 years old! You’d think it would get better, but there will always be someone.
I know it hurts more because it was supposed to be a close friendship. Lots of times young people hear comments at home from parents or other adults and don’t even realize how awful their comments sound because they heard it from parents or adults!
Yes, I’ve ranted about some very similar stuff going on.
God bless…it isn’t worth it to be upset though.
You should be proud of your daughter, and I’m proud of you. You’ve done a tremendous job of raising her, my friend.
Kids are so cruel – both of my girls have been the recipient of the mean kids – but have become stronger as a result of it, overall.
I’ll keep you and yours in my prayers. God bless.
The friend was talking out of her own insecurity – not surprising for a 15 year old.
These teenage years are so hard. I remember it well, don’t you? But seeing your own kids suffer as they fall in love (puppy love still hurts!) and then seeing the person they have a crush on genuinely fall in love is heart breaking – almost worse than when it happened to you!
all we can do as parents is try not to voice our concerns too much (smothering our kids and labelling others) – and be as impartial as we can in spite of being on our kids’ side.
I’m finding all this really hard – trying to be there to listen but not offer advice or commentary if it’s not asked for – or really warranted – and struggling too with being pushed away at times. It’s natural but that doesn’t stop it hurting.
in your daughter’s case you cannot know that they will not become best friends again- that your daughter might see and understand and forgive what motivated her friend to say such a silly and mean thing – they may end up in Oxford together – even sharing a flat. Who knows?
It’s wonderful that your daughter is being encouraged to try for university – I hope she makes it – and that she is encouraged to aim high to do the course that is best for her.
Even vicar’s daughters don’t have it easy.They may have two loving parents, the trappings of a middle class affluence but at the end of the day that girl is a 15 year old also struggling to make sense of the world, at a stage where shaking off ties is important but hard – and there is rivalry between best friends too (especially over boys!) And there is a lot of peer pressure at that age too.
MY DD lost her best friend last year because she became a believer and made some choices about her behaviour. Her new best friend is now leaving to live in Japan … it’s awfully hard for her, but it’s also very hard just to stand by and see…. But it is part of growing up – … sad but true. And we parents have to grow up too. That’s what I’m learning. I cannot wrap my kids in cotton wool -though I’d love to, for so much of the time. Instead we stand by – with plasters (bandaid) and a whole lot of love and prayers.
Hang in there. You are doing a great job
Debbie, thanks for expanding on what I started. The comments here, and the ones left on my blog (nice to meet you, Lorna!) have really helped me.
I have always tried to teach my children that brand doesn’t matter, what stores you shop at doesn’t matter, that the person inside is what matters.
Yet I am the one who seethes, and thinks badly of the child who hurt my child’s feelings–long after my child has forgotten the whole thing.
Anyway, congratulations to your daughter on her achievements! I hope she is chosen to attend the university that is Best For Her, regardless of its “brand name.”
Great comments, my friends. Lot’s of encouragement and kind words and thoughts. Lot’s to think about too. Thanks so much for your support, I truly do appreciate it.
Love!
I’ve lived along the entire length of the economic spectrum, and even down below it by a few fathoms!, and I’d say that except for the Calcutta-poor (anywhere), everyone receives some marvelous opportunities in whatever their station in life at different times. There is absolutely no reason for the well-to-do to squawk at the good fortune of the economically less-well-to-do, nor vice versa.
Whenever I get upset about disparities, or unfairnesses, or comments that should’ve never disgraced my ears, or those of my kids — tho’ nothing hurts worse than that which comes from within the family — I’ve found there is one way to see it in perspective immediately. It is to see that shrunken and deformed young man who goes past my house in his motorized wheelchair with a helper-dog on a lead. Ow.. How often I think this or that is a valid gripe or woe until that kind of reality check.
Growing up is hard.. your children are blessed to have such as you.
My first visit and comment to your site.
I feel for you and your daughter. Seems the friend is a bit jealous. Hopefully, with all the potential your daughter possesses, she will go to the university and, in the end, have bettered herself in many ways.
My mother’s family were farmers. Everyone around them were farmers, so she didn’t know any stigma about it until she went to college. The girls there were from very privileged families and never let the girls there on scholarship, like my mom, forget it. They were called “charity cases” and were not invited to many of the social functions at this all-girl college.
Kids can be cruel. I certainly don’t look forward to this as my children grow out of being toddlers!
Hello Ukok?
I’m Carlos, just some teenager, and I found a link to your blog through Catholic Fire.
I don’t think there is much for me to say except, yes, it can suck to not be very economically affluent, but I don’t really think we are very lacking either, which is really great.
Your kids are blessed to have a faithful catholic mother.