Edited to add – I’m going to try to discipline myself to take a blog break for a month (from the date of this post) to work stuff out in my head (and especially to discern my future blogging status) …. but please do check the comments box of this particular post if you want to stay in touch with me….if you just fancy a chat…. or if you feel inclined to offer advice or to share with me your own thoughts on how blogging has affected or impacted upon your life, whether that be by fair means or foul.
I don’t believe it does my soul good to spend so much of my life as a blogoholic. 4 years. 4 years. 4 years…. given over to this obsession that all too often affects me so deeply, personally, intimately. 4 years of obsessing…of talking about becoming, then talking about being a blogoholic….4 years of telling my children ‘just a minute’ ….’be with you soon’….. ‘just let me finish this post and then I’ll see what you want’….’oh heck, can’t it wait for a minute… can’t you ask your sister/brother to do it for you, I’m busy?’….’This is my ‘me’ time’….’I need to express myself’….’but I have friends online to talk to…..’…..’someone in America is having a crisis and they need me to ‘be there’ for them…..’
Except, I’m not ‘there’ in America for anyone anymore than I’m present to my children over here in England. Because while I am blessed by the cyber friendships that have taken root and have crossed the lines from the blogoshpere to real life….I can not continue blogging merely to ensure that those friendships remain consistant. I have real time friends that I don’t see in months/years and I worry more about keeping my my cyber friendships going than I do my real-time friendships….and more importantly, I have a family who need me. I am not a multi-tasker. I am rather serious by nature and if I can’t put 100% into something then I’d rather not do it at all.
Blogging is a huge investment of time for someone like me, for whom words and ideas don’t come easily. Even if I don’t post a word, I’m thinking about what to write…..what to write….what to write…I’m reading other people’s post’s (and usually wishing I could write half as well) and visiting so many blogs that there’s no time left for me to write anything on my own blog anyway….even if I could shake a thought out of this old brain.
It’s not about the numbers, but it is about the numbers, it’s not about the numbers/stats, but it is about the numbers….it’s not about the comments, but it is about the comments….I love blogging, I hate blogging, I love blogging, I hate blogging….how simple would it be to just click ‘delete blog’ and have done with it….
Wouldn’t you think?
Oh the bain of my life is indecisiveness….and yet, at last, I do believe I have made a decision. Now it’s time for me to start living again instead of reading about living or writing about living, now I am called to ‘live’. I have no excuses left. I have discerned that it is time to let go of this beautiful, confusing means of interacting with people I will likely never meet and yet who share so intimately in my life, and I in theirs (and I thank you for it). I have a choice to make, and I must make it.
Do I delete the blog?
I’ve been tempted to click the button, but felt I owed long time readers an explanation…though I’m not sure if this is one really.
Perhaps the blog will remain. There may be things I want to share at some future point and the blog has many hits on the archives, particularly relating to Catholic topics and perhaps that’s reason enough to keep it online…but then perhaps it isn’t ….and could I ever walk away from something when it would be so easy to be tempted back again?
I think the solution, for now at least, is to say au revoir, and make the decision about the blog later.
This isn’t the only area of my life that’s up for change and renewal. I’m letting go of a lot of personal commitments, a lot of my involvement, even in parish life. I feel the need to minimise, reduce, pair down and strip back everything to the barest bones of who I am and what I do and what my purpose is. My Credo Christian E-Card site will continue and I will continue to upload images to be used as e-cards – feel free to use it as and when you like. If you like. And if you don’t. That’s fine.
I’m very happy with the site and as you know, I used to be employed as a photographer and photography is a passion I’ve long since let go… and one which I suspect the love of which may be enkindled once more, in time.
I do also have an anonymous and private blog to use as a journal of sorts. Comments are not allowed on it, and I don’t write anything there with any frequency. I may never post there again, but then there is no pressure, no self- imposed pressure, because it is anonymous and private. It isn’t anything I devote any time or thought to. But if I ever feel the urge to dip my toe in the blogospheric cyber-sea once more, I shall do so there, where no one will be any the wiser.
But for the most part, I have come to the end of the blogging road because I am watching my children, growing older, growing (possibly) away from me emotionally, preparing in these next few years, to take flight from the safety of their home to brave it on their own.
Will I really have done my best by them?
Will they be as well equipped to face their future as they might otherwise had been, if only I had devoted more time to them?
I don’t want them to think of me as someone who tapped away on a keyboard at every spare moment. Who was so self absorbed in a spinning whir of ‘bloggin’ that she forgot to look up and notice how her children needed her for now, right now. Because some things just can’t wait.
If I ever thought I needed to discern a vocation, then I now realise that I don’t….because I already have one. If all that I ever am is a mother, then I am called by God, to fulfill the vocation to which I am called, and personally, I can’t think of anything better than to sacrifice my wants, to look after my children’s needs.
Some people can do both. Have a life and a blog. For me, there is an indistinguishable blurring of the line and somewhere along it I began to think that blogging was about living. I began to think of life as being ‘bloggable’ …for me, that inidicates a problem in my way of thinking. Making life happen so I can blog it…what’s wrong with that picture? Rushing life away so I can blog about it….
How much of my children’s lives have I already missed, while staring at the computer screen and trying to melt into a world that would take my cares away if only for a little while? Well, I can’t undo what’s been done, but I can and must refuse to miss out on any more of their lives merely because I can’t control myblogaddiction.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you, most sincerely, for your friendship and support these past 4 years. You have, and will continue to have a place in my heart and a prayer on my lips, for you and for all whom your heart holds dear.
I won’t make you any promises. I may not comment on blogs, for my own sanity and so that I am not drawn back into this neglect of my loved ones I can not say that I will see you in the blogosphere. I am available on email however
For now, and until I know not when, I must then say au revoir…
God Bless you.
P.S. the Christmas Card Competition will end this Friday 9th November rather than the following week. I will notify the winner by email on the 10th November.