I’m glad to be back home after my wonderful break and I return refreshed. However, I’ve spent a good deal of time (unintentionally) reflecting upon my walking The Way and have come to the conclusion (as I am periodically prone to do) that I’m not doing a very good job of it. Walking in Christ’s footsteps is hard…I’ll share with you my self observations of this past week…
You may have noticed that there’s something not quite right about the sheep in the above picture …if you’re unobservant like me, you won’t have seen that it is minus one leg (I only noticed after i’d been staring at the actual sheep for a full minute wondering what it was that made it appear different to me).
It might have three legs, while I have two, but we share many similarities this sheep and I, quite apart from the fact that we were both in Wales at the same time.
I’m a sheep, she’s a sheep…. I follow where I am led, she follows where she is led… She has her master, I have mine. ….She doesn’t quite fit in but is a sheep none the less and is one of the flock, I don’t feel that I fit in, am a Christian and am a member of the Holy Catholic Church.
Well there it is, Veritas.
I’m not discouraged, I’m not in need of uplifting quips and comments, not sympathy, just understanding…and if you can’t give that, that’s okay too.
I am striving not to make my whole existance all about me but I don’t often pull it off. The only things that I don’t want to relinquish are my Catholicity and my family. I love that I belong to this family that is the Bride of Christ, I love that I belong to my little domestic church…but alas, I moan and groan about both, and it’s members more than I should…
When I start something, I don’t finish it (as my fellow Bible readers will know)… when I know that something needs to be done, I often do it with an unwilling heart… if someone else can do it that’s even better…I’m sorry to say that it’s usually a case of…. I want to suffer with Christ, but please God, don’t let it hurt….
I can not be pinned down and sure as hell, no one wants me to be their pin-up. I’m fidgety and flighty, but dependable, all at the same time. How can it be that I am such a walking, talking, breathing contradiction?
I don’t need answers.
Unlike the sheep…(or maybe not!) I want to be slim again… but I’m fat and nearly forty and I refuse to do anything about it at the present moment…badger me about it and I’ll tell you I don’t care and that it’s your problem not mine…so add procrastination to my ever increasing list of faults….
I like to give the impression that I know what I’m ‘on about’ but most of the time I’m just winging it….
I would like you to like me, because it matters more than it should that you, whom I may never meet, actually give a darn whether I exist or not…
I can’t decide whether to quit blogging…I want to stop blogging every other day but then I get an email or a comment or a piece of real-mail or enjoy this community that I am a part of and the thought that someone somewhere is reading this keeps me going.
I don’t want to be needy, but I know that I am.
I want to be last because I want to be humble…and yet I want to be first all at the same time.
I sometimes think I’m more important than I am, but I’m not especially special and I know it. I dislike that I am not special (YES I know that I’m special to GOD but that’s not the same thing)…and I loathe that I want to be something that I’m not…unless that something is HOLY….I want to be humble, but I know that’s a long way up the mountain yet and I’m only stumbling my way over little grass verges …tripping myself up in the process and complaining about it too…
I don’t want to be different. But I want to be different. I’m stuck with this same old me. And so are my children…and that makes me want to be anyone but who I am. I know I could change, but I don’t know if I want it enough.
I want somebody to be stuck with this me, but know that I’m really not being fair in asking God to find my St. Joseph when I am so severely lacking. What can I give when I have nothing to give? What can I offer when I have nothing to offer? Who will love this mess that I am..who wishes to be everything and invariably is nothing.
I am not quiet and demure, I shout and swear a lot more than I should... I’m not submissive and resolute but opinionated and indecisive.
All in all I love being a sheep and I love my Master and that will just have to be good enough for now.
He must increase, I must decrease….it’s not all about me…