Home again.

I’m glad to be back home after my wonderful break and I return refreshed. However, I’ve spent a good deal of time (unintentionally) reflecting upon my walking The Way and have come to the conclusion (as I am periodically prone to do) that I’m not doing a very good job of it. Walking in Christ’s footsteps is hard…I’ll share with you my self observations of this past week…

You may have noticed that there’s something not quite right about the sheep in the
above picture …if you’re unobservant like me, you won’t have seen that it is minus one leg (I only noticed after i’d been staring at the actual sheep for a full minute wondering what it was that made it appear different to me).

It might have three legs, while I have two, but we share many similarities this sheep and I, quite apart from the fact that we were both in Wales at the same time.

I’m a sheep, she’s a sheep…. I follow where I am led, she follows where she is led… She has her master, I have mine. ….She doesn’t quite fit in but is a sheep none the less and is one of the flock, I don’t feel that I fit in, am a Christian and am a member of the Holy Catholic Church.


Well there it is, Veritas.

I’m not discouraged, I’m not in need of uplifting quips and comments, not sympathy, just understanding…and if you can’t give that, that’s okay too.

I am striving not to make my whole existance all about me but I don’t often pull it off. The only things that I don’t want to relinquish are my Catholicity and my family. I love that I belong to this family that is the Bride of Christ, I love that I belong to my little domestic church…but alas, I moan and groan about both, and it’s members more than I should…

When I start something, I don’t finish it (as my fellow Bible readers will know)… when I know that something needs to be done, I often do it with an unwilling heart… if someone else can do it that’s even better…I’m sorry to say that it’s usually a case of…. I want to suffer with Christ, but please God, don’t let it hurt….

I can not be pinned down and sure as hell, no one wants me to be their pin-up. I’m fidgety and flighty, but dependable, all at the same time. How can it be that I am such a walking, talking, breathing contradiction?

I don’t need answers.

Unlike the sheep…(or maybe not!) I want to be slim again… but I’m fat and nearly forty and I refuse to do anything about it at the present moment…badger me about it and I’ll tell you I don’t care and that it’s your problem not mine…so add procrastination to my ever increasing list of faults….

I like to give the impression that I know what I’m ‘on about’ but most of the time I’m just winging it….

I would like you to like me, because it matters more than it should that you, whom I may never meet, actually give a darn whether I exist or not…

I can’t decide whether to quit blogging…I want to stop blogging every other day but then I get an email or a comment or a piece of real-mail or enjoy this community that I am a part of and the thought that someone somewhere is reading this keeps me going.

I don’t want to be needy, but I know that I am.

I want to be last because I want to be humble…and yet I want to be first all at the same time.

I sometimes think I’m more important than I am, but I’m not especially special and I know it. I dislike that I am not special (YES I know that I’m special to GOD but that’s not the same thing)…and I loathe that I want to be something that I’m not…unless that something is HOLY….I want to be humble, but I know that’s a long way up the mountain yet and I’m only stumbling my way over little grass verges …tripping myself up in the process and complaining about it too…

I don’t want to be different. But I want to be different. I’m stuck with this same old me. And so are my children…and that makes me want to be anyone but who I am. I know I could change, but I don’t know if I want it enough.

I want somebody to be stuck with this me, but know that I’m really not being fair in asking God to find my St. Joseph when I am so severely lacking. What can I give when I have nothing to give? What can I offer when I have nothing to offer? Who will love this mess that I am..who wishes to be everything and invariably is nothing.

I am not quiet and demure, I shout and swear a lot more than I should... I’m not submissive and resolute but opinionated and indecisive.

All in all I love being a sheep and I love my Master and that will just have to be good enough for now.

He must increase, I must decrease….it’s not all about me…

God Bless.

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11 Responses to Home again.

  1. St. Cecilia says:

    (((((((((((Ukok)))))))))))) sounds like your vacation has put you in a sort of rut. I know how you feel… when my “real” life isn’t going well or I am not finding the attention or conversation I need, I look to my “internet” life to fill the void. I struggle with whether this is normal or not but keep coming back. I figure that everyone living the way I do cannot be nuts so I must be ok too.

    At any rate, I cannot offer you anything but to tell you that I feel the same except for one part. I think I struggle more with Catholicism than you do… I probably take it for granted. I’ve always been a rebel and hate following the rules and it goes also for the church’s teaching. Lord help me on that. So, you are someone I do look up to.

    God’s blessings to you my English friend. :o)

  2. Gayla says:

    Wow, Deb, what a post! You’re not saying ANYTHING that I have thought/felt myself. You’re struggling with ALL things I myself struggle with – we ALL struggle with. You’re just being very honest and transparent about it. I admire that.

    Just remember that in and of yourself, you CAN’T do it – any of it – whatever ‘it’ is. Our Sovereign God is the ONLY One who can/will enable you. Let Him. Be needy. We ARE needy. We NEED HIM.

    He will never turn away from us in our willingness to humble ourselves before Him.

    Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself. My prayers are with you, sweetie.

  3. Mimi says:

    I also join you in your struggle, Deb and understand.

    You’d be missed if you left blogland. Hugs and prayers to you.

  4. Alexa says:

    Hey you. Did you copy this out of MY archives or something?

    Listen. Delete the damn blog if you want. Reappear when you want — even if it’s the next day.

    Some of these people take it way too seriously.

    And that ticks me off sometimes.
    And I’ve “lost” “blog friends” “friends” by doing so — deleting and reappearing and changing and tweaking…

    Guys hate it the most. Figures.

    Hey. I’ll be 49 years old in 10 days and I LOST 50# and gained all but about 10# back — all in less than a year!


    I’ve gotten better at swearing. I don’t very much anymore….but I doubt my faith every day.

    I question all this seeming B.S. I read in the IMitation of Christ — and it bothers me.

    And “hating this life” etc — loving my suffering, etc.

    And yet, I have so little to suffer!

    And I ain’t askin’ for any more either.

    Life goes up. Life goes down. Just like weight. Just like faith. Just like feelings. Just like moods.

    Sometimes things suck and sometimes they don’t.

    From my perspective, Deb, you’ve probably got the COOLEST BRITISH ACCENT!

    That oughta count for sumpin!

  5. onionboy says:

    Oh boy, something in the air and it made it all the way from my place across the Pond, or the other way around. Nearly bailed but didn’t, of blogland not our beautiful Church. If I struggle with her it is because I find myself in agreement with her when so many do not yet call her home. Anyway, glad you didn’t bail either and can’t wait to see your post on CCDB 🙂

  6. Suzanne says:

    Well, now…
    Guess what? We all have so many of these same same same feelings.
    Some different, but all pretty similar. When I’m busy and in the midst of doing something that I really feel God is quite pleased with, I am in a good place…when things get quiet, it gets lonely.
    I am quite sure there are somedays that way too much time is spent on these posts either reading or writing them. Some of us have always wanted to write…we love it and may never see much of anything in real print with the exception of what is on here. Yeah, maybe it is a little insignificant thing, but so are alot of other things we do. Some of it is significant. Sometimes someone CAN touch a soul and that soul will never forget that moment. You have been that soul for many of us and so has Alexa and so has Mimi and so many others.
    When it comes down to it, ain’t, yes, I said that…ain’t none of us “special,” but we could also be sitting in front of the tv for hours on end..we could be over-cleaning our house instead of sharing with others, we could be
    using this internet for alot of you know what..do-do and messing our brains up and besides that, like I tell my kids, I could get in the car and spend my time in the nearest bar not giving a you know what about them, me, or anyone else. I only say that part when I have really had it with them, because I know but for the grace of God and my trying to hold on to it, I could be in the bars.
    I pray each day to stay out of them..I try not to take those things for granted. I guess what we all could do would be to cool it…go out and get our hands “dirty” somewhere else more often…you know, working in the trenches…is that what you mean UKOK? Maybe we should, but sharing that with someone doesn’t hurt…it inspires and one thing I have read in the Bible and that is that we need to uplift one another.
    I don’t care where you live or if I’ll ever really get to “meet” you here, but that is what He asked.

  7. HeyJules says:

    “I want to suffer with Christ, but please God, don’t let it hurt…”

    Oh, do I know THIS feeling!

    Don’t quit blogging, Deb. You’re too much fun to read. Even the “crap” like this is just a load of fun.

  8. My Kid's Mom says:

    Well, everybody else has said essentially what I was going to say to you, too – please don’t quit, what you wrote could have been written by me, and it’s not all about me. . .

    Hugs from Ohio, UKOK. Email me if you feel the need to “vent” anymore!

  9. Lorna says:

    praise God for your honesty here. I am sick and tired of plastic Christianity (oops now I said it) and would take your blog anyday (everyday) over the inane, plastered over lives that I’m so tired of encountering along the way.

    It’s brilliant that you are who you are -and it really really really is time we ALL stopped comparing ourselves with one another to see how we (or they) are /are not shaping up.

    (that’s scriptural by the way I just can’t remember where it’s from! Galatians I think – near the end – go find it yourself )

    I don’t think we are to expect pain Deb, or even long for it – that’s not my understanding of suffering WITH Christ (I mean what kind of Father would ask us to WANT it) but rather that we’d accept that there is a price for each of us in following Christ.

    I’m so glad you are back. I’ve been here so many times. Are you sure you were away only a week? Seems like ‘forever’

    About blogging. I think you have a voice that should be heard – at least I like to read it. But you should write for you – not for me or anyone else. As for the stats I’m glad I can’t see them (eija does all that stuff!) – but when I have thought about no longer writing I’ve realised that I do it mostly for me. It’s a place I’ve started to be more and more honest (and yes at a cost) – because as I started this comment – I’m tired of the phoney.

    but glad you spilled your guts today Deb. I needed this taste of honesty and I value your friendship. I want you to know that.

    Wales looked nice. It wasn’t raining?

  10. Lorna says:

    forgot to say (in my rant)

    I am not quiet and demure, I shout and swear a lot more than I should… I’m not submissive and resolute but opinionated and indecisive.

    You are loved.

    Where does it say we’re suppposed to be quiet and demure, and submissive and resolute. We are to submit to God – and yes to the body of Christ (not in a stupid way I admit) but quiet and demure are over rated. We are called to be REAL.

  11. see-through faith says:

    me again

    re the Bible in 90 days – the funnything was you did the HARD part – all the OT in about 60 days.

    so why not pick up the NT and give yourself a month? OR join us in a leisurely reading of Luke. (same channel ..for the blog)

    hugs and yeah I posted the photo

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