I found a lump in my breast a few years ago and was referrred to the hospital for tests. On the day of the appointment Mum came with me to keep me company and to offer support. After mamograms, scans and even a needle biopsy (without anaesthetic! ouch!) we sat around in the waiting area for hours on end awaiting the results. One by one the people who had crowded the area to overflowing, went home…until finally it was just me and Mum.

I had, by this time convinced myself that I had advanced breast cancer and the doctors were waiting for the non cancerous patients to leave first so that they could break it to me…and so that my wailing (no quiet dignity here folks) would not distress them.

As I sat there I worked (and reworked) out the words in my head, the ‘break it to the children’ speech… I thought about how cluttered my house was and how much work it would be for my parents to pack up our family belongings once I wasn’t around…(why oh why can’t I be ‘into’ minimalism?)…. I thought about the children being separated from one another….surely Wonderboy would live with his Dad, Primadonna would live with my parents….HOW could they be separated when they needed one another? What if the communications between my ex and my parents took a nosedive? What use was it dying when I needed to be around until at least the children were grown into adulthood?

See, single parents think this way. We have no choice. Everything changes when the parent with full parental responsibility, passes on.

I hadn’t said a word of this to Mum. But I thought I’d better prepare her before we were called through.

“Mum, if anything happens….”, I said.

“It’ll be okay”, she smiled through teary eyes.

“Okay”, I said, and swallowed hard.

And then at last I was called through.

We went together, Mum and me.

“Mrs S.”, said the Doctor, “you have an unexplained mass in your breast…. but the tests show nothing sinister as far as we can tell. Keep a check on things and get back to your doctors if there is more pain or discomfort. You may go home now”.

The relief.

Oh, the relief.

I still get a bit upset from time to time thinking about how important it is for me to be around for the kid’s (oh the pressure to not die for a while!!!) but I know that it’s all in God’s hands and that all will work together for the Glory of God. Why worry about those things that are beyond my control?

Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Mathew 6:27

Awaiting test results can be a time of considerable anxiety for many. Please, therefore, may I ask that you remember in your prayers our dear friend, Valerie who is awaiting test results (I do not know the nature of Val’s tests). Thank you.

Find more info about breast cancer and breast cancer awareness here … herehere and here

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8 Responses to Anxiety

  1. Suzanne says:

    I know that must have been so difficult! I am very happy it was okay. Tell me, Deb, are they still trying to deny a connection between b.c. and abortion there as much as they deny it here? Just interested to know without going to the sites you have posted.

  2. ukok says:

    hat’s a great question Suz.

    UK Catholic, Lord Alton’s talk makes for interesting reading


    Generally there is a denial that there is any evidence to support a link between abortion and breast cancer.


    The only thing I could find on any of those sites I linked to about the connection, was here

    It basically says that there is no evidence to support the connection…and then at the end it states….

    “Breast cancer is an extremely complex disease and very little is
    known about the risks – Breakthrough is supporting the Breakthrough
    Generations Study, which will investigate the causes of breast cancer”


  3. Jennifer says:

    My Mom had breast cancer a year and a half ago. I still get teary when I think of all she went through.

    I had wrote out a long, drawn out post but erased it all….I’ll keep you in my prayers that you don’t have to go through all your fears and worries around it.

  4. ukok says:

    Jennifer, you’re very sweet, thank you for your prayers, they really are very much appreciated. I’m so sorry that your Mum experienced breast cancer.

    As ever, you remain in my prayers too.

  5. Mimi says:

    Nothing Sinister! What beautiful words! Thanks be to God!

  6. Esther says:

    This post made me teary eyed. Your intentions will be remembered in my prayers Deb.

  7. ukok says:

    Mimi, Esther,

    Thanks for your kind words (((hug)))

  8. onionboy says:

    Thanks be to God and continued prayers for you and so many blogging and non blogging friends I know who are, right now, facing everything from uncertainty to surgery. May your holiday be a true respite.

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