What a funky week it’s been.
I have felt so ‘attacked’ spiritually this week, and it’s no co-incidence that just before this mini-funk began, I had resolved to make a determined effort to deepen my prayer life, and to hide in the wounds of Christ’s flesh, so to speak.
My goodness though, was I ever like Jonah who I read about this week in the daily Mass readings…he too felt that he was justifiably despondant and angry when things didn’t go his way.
My whale is not a giant fish, my whale is fear, lack of trusting in the Lord, a propensity to anxiety about circumstances that I feel exhausted by….these are the things that have been undermining my confidence and threatening to swallow me whole…. and yet….this I know~
“Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.”
In the UK there used to be a popular breakfast cereal whose advertising slogan was ‘start your day right’. For a while now, this catchy phrase has been reverberating around my ever depleting grey cells until finally it found somewhere to stick and I began to realise that it had been a terribly long time since I had ‘started my day right’. I had been complacent in the religious practice of my faith for too long and endeavoured to pick up the spiritual slack and ensure that henceforth, after a vaccuous -faith in action- vacation, my first focus of every day, would be God.
So for the last 10 days or so I switched off the computer each night (I used to put it on standby for a quick start up in the morning) so that it would not be my first point of call each morning…. I arose, switched the kettle on for a cuppa Earl Grey, cracked open my dusty Daily Missal, wiped the sleepy dust from my bleary eyes….and attempted to ignore the belting chronic headache with which I suffer daily, and I have delved into God’s Word.
If I was expecting great things to happen, they didn’t, because from the very moment that I made a decided effort to draw nearer to the Lord, I couldn’t have felt further away from God… the last ten days or so have been increasingly horrid and only now do I feel the fog-funk lifting a little… but then, as I have to keep reminding myself, no-one ever said living a life of faith would be easy.
On a personal level there are indeed, ongoing detrimental life impacting circumstances to deal with – but although there have been a couple of stinging happenings that have occurred this past week or so, largely the difficult circumstances have been there for a long, long while.
Every once in a while the rawness of them threatens to engulf me, but by God’s grace I usually manage to stay ‘together’. This past 10 days or so though….oh it has been like running ‘over the top ‘ , into no-man’s land, each day….I’ve been going to sleep (when I’ve been able to sleep at all) often in tears and awaking with a dull ache inside me and even before getting out of bed, wondering if the day could possibly get any worse.
“How long O Lord?” seem to have been the words consistantly on my lips this week.
How long will I feel like a failure, like second best, like nothing I do is quite good enough, that I am unappreciated, taken for granted, overlooked and unloved ?
How long will I be able to continue each day under the weight of my personal life circumstances, that despite all my attempts to change, seem never to improve?
Oh I know, it does sound like a lot of whining but usually, I ain’t no whiner (even though I’ve felt this way time and time again I haven’t usually publicised it) so please forgive me this little blip on the repression radar.
I remain burdened, and yet I have only to cast my anxieties on Him don’t I?
It’s easier said than done.
Sounds great, isn’t so easy to do.
After reaching what I hope to be the demise of this ten day demonic detox, hilarity of hilarities… I find that I finally want to post something about it and for the last 24 hours I have been without any internet connection whatsoever! Is that God telling me to bag the blog? I don’t know.
Fortunately, I finally got a broadband signal this morning and have come here only to find that the combox of the last post tells me of the immense prayerful support I have been blessed with by so many of you, new friends and old….some who have been acquainted with me for only weeks or months, and some, I see (thanks OBOB for remembering me – KC in particular) for 5 years or more – I didn’t know you even knew about my blog, what a luverly surprise.
Well, don’t we all just know that prayer is a powerful thing! I am terribly grateful for your kindness, you have helped to carry me through a very difficult week, on a sea of prayers, and that ain’t easy done, because I’m no featherweight.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you too, to anyone who prayed but didn’t leave a comment.
I’m going to continue with the Daily Mass readings. For me, prayer and digesting the Word of God for breakfast, seems to be working. I will continue to trust in the Lord to see me right. I just need enough courage for the day…not for the week, not for next month, not for next year, just for today.
Life is so much easier to live in bitesize chunks.
God Bless you!
p.s.The School’s just phoned asking me to collect my daughter as she’s unwell, I’m sure it’s nothing serious, but she’s only been at school just over an hour so she must be feeling offside- please could you shoot up a prayer for her if you have the time or inclination? Thanks!