Cutting loose

This is a letter I’ve long wanted to write, but was worried that my genuine blog buddies would think this was aimed at them, so I didn’t…. please don’t asume this is about you, most of the people that I write this to, already know who they are (believe me, they know). I’m not writing it to get a rise out of anyone, I’m merely using my blog as an outlet to express myself on something that’s been bugging me for way too long.

This is not aimed at blogfriends who through time and circumstance have lost contact with me or my blog! This is ‘deeper’ than it appears. I know it won’t make sense to a lot of you, but then it’s not directed towards a lot of you, so you don’t really need to understand it. There’s a lot I could have said, but have chosen not to. I do not write this to be uncharitable. This is just my way of letting go and turning over the page of my blogging life.

“Some bloggers are back-slappers.

Y’know, like the guy in the office or the politician who loves you up in front of your face, only to stab you in the back when you’re walking away. It’s all superficial surface stuff. When it comes down to it, there’s really no connection, no genuine friendship and worst of all, no explanation for their shoddy behaviour.

I was never popular at school, I was never part of the girl crowd, I was always on the fringe. And I always have been that way ever since. Not by thought or by choice, but just because I was made that way. I have this inbuilt crap detector that senses that the gushing flowery love and support, kindness or whatever, is rather like the seeds that grow into pretty flowers, only to wither away because they have no substance, no roots.

But my crap detector must be a bit dodgy when it comes to cyberspace (perhaps because it’s so difficult to really know anyone unless you meet them in the physical realm) because I really have been fooled into believing that certain bloggers were genuine , only to discover that they are not. (And no, I’m not miffed because they don’t leave comments anymore – there’s more to this, there’s more to this, there’s more to this…..)

Perhaps it’s because I’m opinionated, I just am – and I’m not about to apologise for it – but I can be a blog buddy and I will still tell you how it is…. it doesn’t mean I don’t like you if I disagree with you or if I set you straight on something. I do this for your own good and I do this because I am not a back slapper or a people pleaser.

I seem to have alienated, or have been alienated from, certain bloggers over the years. I’m not too proud to admit that it has bothered me much more than it should. Maybe they suddenly realised that my face doesn’t fit after all? Maybe we’re back on the playground again? Maybe they like pushing buttons, because as far as I’m aware, it wasn’t me who changed. I’m still the same as I ever was.

So I’m shaking the dust from my sandals for the last time. No more comments on your blogs, no more emails, no more bloglines subscriptions or subscriptions to your feeds, no more (unanswered) questions in your inbox to ask your advice or to offer unreciprocated friendship emails (I will still be praying for you)….because if you choose to offer intermittent or non-existant *friendship* while mine is consistant, then it’s not my problem, it’s yours…and most of all, no more anxiety about how I may or may not have offended you. Because I’m done with worrying. I have enough going on in real time, I don’t need to put up with that crud here in the blogosphere.

If you don’t want a piece of me, then that’s okay, but no more games. I’m cutting you loose.

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17 Responses to Cutting loose

  1. AutumnRose says:

    I’m so sorry blogging has left you feeling this way, Ukok 😦

    Take the good stuff, and leave the rest ~ and as you say, some (like me) pop in and out because they really don’t have a lot of spare time on their hands.

    You are probably in more people’s prayers than you think 😉

    God bless,
    AR xx

  2. ukok says:

    No!

    AR, blogging hasn’t left me feeling this way at all. I’m fine with blogging, and with the many wonderful genuine friends I have, this is written to a handful of people who have played games with my friendship. This has nothing to do (as I stated) with people who like me, are very busy in their everyday lives.

    I wish you knew me properly, I think that you must think me a disenchanted, gloomy person, and that’s not the case at all. This is not written to 99.99% of the bloggers who visit Ukok’s Place. I wish I could be more specific, but it would be indiscreet to do so.

    God Bless you 🙂

  3. AutumnRose says:

    (((((Ukok)))))

  4. Jennifer says:

    I still find alot of the playground activity going on too…so I know how you feel.

    Hugs and my thoughts and prayers are with you 🙂

  5. warren says:

    I am sorry to see you’re hurting. God bless you.

    W

  6. O says:

    I’ve been away from blogging, including my own blogs but I find myself with a few moments to be online today and have been catching up with friends. Sorry to hear about this but glad you’ve found a way to move on.

    O | onionboy.ca (art & faith) | luminousmiseries.ca {faith & art}

  7. Esther says:

    Sorry Deb! Insert hugs to you here. I think I know what you mean. I sometimes feel that my blog just isn’t interesting for that particular blogging buddy anymore. But for all the old ones who seem to lose interest in keeping up our friendship through blogging, I get lots more new ones. And, there are the die hard, loyal friends like you.

  8. Libbie says:

    Hard, but sometimes the very best thing to do. People are just so complicated. I think I might make it my aim to be more simple.

  9. Fleur says:

    Brave and insightful, {{{hugs}}}

  10. Joe says:

    I agree with you 100%. The internet makes it easy for people to project without disclosing. It is a good way to communicate with others, and a boon for the lonesome (yours truly), but you must keep the crud detector running. I fear that if you knew any of us well enough, you might not consider us worthy of your freindship, but we are all on our own walks, hopefully towards salvation, and any help and company I can get along the way is a blessing. Like I have said before, you are the copper for God’s electricity. Joe

  11. ukok says:

    Thanks for your support folks, it means a lot to me. It’s good to know that I do have a fabulous array of superduper cyber friends!

  12. Alexa says:

    I’m afraid so much of what you’ve written rings true about me. I’m not a good commentor on my friends’ blogs – and I suck at writing emails. I don’t have any friends in real life because, quite frankly, I don’t have the wherewithall to give a friendship what it needs. I’m friendly with whomever I happen to be with, but have no really close girlfriends – just my husband – but, well, he’s not a girlfriend – – ?
    Anyhow, I consider you a friend – and a lovely person – very deep, very smart and quite virtuous. I like knowing there is a person on this earth like you, Deb.
    God bless.
    Alexa

  13. Alexa says:

    Oh. Yeah. And I KNOW you know I’ve felt this way myself about blogging too – I could write a list.
    But I just ignore them now.

  14. Mimi says:

    Dear Deb, the size of your heart comes through in your posts, and I know that can lead to having your heart hurt. I am sorry that has happened and I want you to know that you have touched my heart many times, and I am blessed to know you!

    Huzzah!

  15. Valerie says:

    I totally agree with you on this, Deb. I’m honored to have you as a friend, cyber or otherwise, and will always treasure your comments and thoughts and prayers that you have unselfishly given to me over the seas. Some day, I promise, we shall meet, my friend.

  16. barbszy says:

    I have no idea what prompted all of this but I have to say that whatever has caused this hurt, I hope it ends soon. I enjoy and benefit from what you write here, and I hope it will continue.

  17. ukok says:

    What a great bunch of blog buddies I have! If I was a drinker I’d buy you all a pint! (but I’m not, so how do you fancy sharing a pot of earl grey with me?)

    I am very much appreciative of your supportive comments. I know the post was hard to understand. I don’t know that I can shed any further light on the matter except to say that I have been carrying bruised feelings for some considerable time and now that I have written this and through my emotionally ‘letting go’ of a situation which I can do nothing about, I feel at last, some release!

    I have on occassion hinted at the problem in the past, via my postings and was becoming increasingly concerned that my words may be construed as reflecting a bitterness or resentment within me, when really it was a complete and utter incomprehension of what had prompted any churlish (whether in action or inaction, presence or absence) behaviour toward me/myblog.

    However, now I have moved on. I will continue to pray for those whom this post refers to and I wish them only all that is good, but I’m glad to free myself of an anxiety that was having some detrimental effect on my blogging, and my enjoyment of it.

    Once again, many thanks. I know it sounds trite and syrupy, but you all know, I hope, how much I appreciate your friendship. I especially love that it spills over from the blogosphere into real life!

    God bless your kindness to me 🙂

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