During the past month of self imposed exile from blogging, I have had the time to have a good long think about how I feel about continuing with the blog, or not, as the case may be.
I can’t say that I’ve emerged from my blog-fast with a clear knowledge or intention of either continuing to blog or not continuing to blog, at least, not permanently… however, I can say that I have missed blogging more than I have resented blogging, pre-blog-fast.
I am now aware (and by that I mean that the ‘penny has finally dropped’) that staying away from blogging requires just as much (if not more) discipline as it takes for me to stick at it and continue blogging. I had previously deluded myself into thinking myself completely undisciplined, but I didn’t post for a whole month and there was a couple of occassions when I really had things to say or prayers to beg – so I can’t be all that undisciplined after all, can I?
I’ve reached the conclusion that I will continue to be deeply neurotic, thin skinned and obsessive whether or not I choose to blog. Blogging merely exposes me to an ‘audience’ I would not otherwise be exposed to…which means that it is yet another medium in which I can potentially feel overwhelmed and have the propensity to feel insignificant.
I reveal much of myself through my blog and perhaps I am at fault in doing so, because it means that I am left feeling the need of affirmation, which is rather sad, I think. But I don’t think even that is reason enough, not to blog… it won’t change if I continue to blog either…so I just have to find a way of dealing with it. Overall, the benefits of blogging, I believe (at this point in time), outweigh the negative aspects of it. So basically…
this is where I am.
- I have come full circle, and it won’t be the only lap I will ever do.
- I am as undecided as I ever was about blogging.
- I have come to appreciate that blogging is no more my enemy than it is my friend.
- For now then, I choose to blog.
My ‘blogging addiction’ isn’t all about what happens at Ukok’s Place though. I have something of a compulsion to visit other peoples blogs (to maintain cyber friendships) and just as I intend to post with more discipline here, my time spent reading blogs and I suppose, giving other bloggers that same affirmation (which they may neither need of nor desire) can no longer be an important factor of my blogging. It too must endure some pruning, some cutting back. Yes, I shall continue to visit the blogs I enjoy reading, but I shall read less and comment less and attempt, generally, to be a little more discerning about the way that I utilise my time. I have not been using it well over recent months, particularly with regard to my online activities and OCD influenced blogging habits.
I hope that doesn’t sound too harsh or cause offence, and I hope you’ll understand why it is that you may only see my comments on your blogs every week or every fortnight henceforth. I am tackling a blog addiction, of sorts. If I don’t take a step back, in the ways I have outlined here, then I will just quit this bloggin’ thing permanently. I know now that I can take it or leave it. I can’t be worrying about making anyone happy or unhappy. I know you’re a pretty much sane bunch and that your world doesn’t revolve around me or my visiting your blog – I’m saying this as much for my benefit as for anyone else’s to reaffirm to myself what I know I have to do if this is going to work for me!
To sum up then. I’m getting some perspective and it looks like you’re stuck with me, for now at least.
Just one thing left to say…..
Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers, comments and emails during the last month. May God return your kindness.
God Bless you!