Of hopes and fears, and fallen tears and hope still yet…

Never one to put much stock by New Year’s resolutions, I find myself instead in contemplatory mode.

2008 signals the year when I will cease being in my ‘thirties’ and will enter my 40th year. I find myself looking forward to my 40th birthday with a kind of hopeful expectation, there’s no angst, no nail biting, there’s no terror here as the big day looms on the veritable horizon.

So.

40.

I can’t quite grasp it.

I can’t quite grasp that I made it this far. In truth, my teen years and early twenties were largely ill spent in ways that had me believing back then that I wouldn’t be here now.

And yet God had other plans.

I am a mother.

Me a mother.

Me, the girl who had not one strand of discernable maternal dna in her body.

Or so I thought.

And then the I developed morning sickness, the bump grew and what do you know….even someone as ill prepared for motherhood as me became a mum.

Now I have a 16 year old daughter and a 12 year old son.

As I’m gradually getting used to being a mother it seems my children are growing away from me at an alarming rate. Perhaps it is to be expected, perhaps it is necesary for their survival in a world beyond my cloistering (suffocating) protectiveness and my ever vigilant care.

Yes, it is this then, these changes, that sadden me the most as I notch up another year.  And yet, I suspect that I will come to appreciate this natural progression in the changing relationship of this particular mother and her children. (there are benefits to having adult children, aren’t there?)

As I look back over my life thus far, just a little, and never straying far back enough to dwell for any length of time on past hurts, I believe that I have lived these near 40 years.

That’s quite something for me to say, though it may sound odd to you, dear reader.

I haven’t lived particularly well, but yes indeed, I have lived.

It may  enlighten you when I say that at certain points of my life I felt as though I were dead.  Dead inside. As though life were going on all about me, and I was buried under the soil of despair (very gloomy for a New Years post eh?) .

And yet, I chose to live.

Must have done.

Because I’m still here.

Thank God for God.

The time to be dwelling on is now.

The present.

It’s called ‘the present’ for a reason y’know.

It’s called the present because it really is a gift.

A gift from God.

As I look then, to my impending 40th, I look upon it  as a  new beginning where anything is possible. In truth I see a dead end at every turn in the employment and financial areas of my life. But I will place my trust in God and He will provide for my family and me.

I used to dream big dreams, hope big hopes, now it is with a smidgeon of maturity that I ask God for employment opportunities and financial security (not wealth, just not ‘worry’).

I’m not the silly girl I once was, the girl who dreamt of singing at Wembley stadium or writing a book that people actually wanted to read, having my lyrics sung by great artists…no, if I dream a dream now, I dream simple.

But I still dream.

Okay, yeah, there is one dream I’ve  had since I was a girl….there’s this scene from a film I once saw, a couple in love, riding their horses across a sandy beach down by the waters edge…well, I always thought that would be kind of cool, but I won’t be disapointed if it never happens.

No. I won’t be disapointed if then only beach I travel across ‘in love’ is the one in which the only set of footprints in the sand belong to Jesus, after all he has been the one to carry me all these years and that’s no mean feat, I’m a big girl….though he says his yoke is easy, his burden (me?!?) light….

God Bless you all for all you have been to me and have meant to me this past year,  I wish you one and all, all the very best of all that is good for you and a very Happy New Year!!!

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint stowp!
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
Sin’ auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin’ auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie’s a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

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10 Responses to Of hopes and fears, and fallen tears and hope still yet…

  1. Peter Deb's Dad says:

    that is a very moving part of your life Debs not somthing you have shared with us before but I do know Debs no matter how old you are you blessed We love you Mum and Dad

  2. Time to turn your own music up LOUD! Enjoy yourself..let your kids wait on you..well just my thoughts anyway! lol

  3. Dear Deb,

    I pray that 2008 will be a time of abundance and joy for you!

    I was looking for your email to write you privately to thank you for a couple of things but you’ll know what I mean. Please forgive my total absorbtion in things around here.

    In any case, your blog is beautiful and it is beautiful because you are! And thanks so much for making your lovely cards available. I’d send you one if I knew your address! LOL

    Peace and blessings!
    KM

  4. Renee says:

    Much love to you this new year and always. Lovely, true post. I can relate, oh yes.

    Blessings!

  5. Happy New Year!! I think everyone feels overwhelmed at the prospect of being a mother– even when we are many years into it. I know I do. And that feeling of them pulling away feels so unnatural. But I can tell you that they will pull away and them come back after their independence is more established.

  6. O says:

    Hi Deb and hello and God’s blessing to Deb’s Dad – wonderful to ‘meet’ you.

    Deb, I am now eight years beyond the number you are facing. Beginning in my 39th year I was to face the most discouraging, enlightening, inhibiting and freeing eight years of my life to that point. I had none of the mid life crisis over turning 40 but had I known what had already begun I might have, as the old jazz standard says, “rolled up in a ball and died.” Yes, I am smiling as I write that.

    I cannot say I would particularly like to repeat those years, check that–I can say with a certainty that I would not like to repeat them but I can also say that I am grateful for where I have come in those years.

    Do keep dreaming love because while we may or may not achieve our dream we will most certainly achieve nothing if we cease to dream our dreams. God be with you, the Love of his Son fill you and the prayers and mantle of our holy Mother overshadow you in 2008.

  7. John Bowden says:

    Happy New Year all! Deb, we’re glad you made it here … your blog is educational, entertaining, artful, and always insightful!
    As for birthdays, well lets just say 40 is quite a few years into my past at this point!

  8. AutumnRose says:

    A slightly belated happy New Year, Ukok…and thanks xx

  9. Valerie says:

    Happy belated New Year, my friend. I’m in my (gasp) fifties now, and I can honestly say that each passing decade brings something unique and wonderful to it. I know exactly what you mean about the kids – I’m going through it myself – and it’s gut-wrenching, bittersweet, and yet very poignant and awe-inspiring to watch them grow up and grow away. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

  10. Fleur says:

    Pssttt…. You already ARE in your 40th year. Your 40th birthday marks the end of that, and the beginning of your 41st year.
    Wishing you the blessings of peace and all things good for the new year.

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