Let’s talk about sex (Adult Content, kinda)

O my goodness!

You know how I told you that the workmen were coming in today?

Well actually they should have been in on Monday but it was delayed as there has to be an asbestos check on the house…so some other work is being started as of today. Well, at 8.10am the first guy came and then a slew of others came and went as the day went on; to knock out the old kitchen units, strip the wallpaper off the walls, pull up all the floor tiles etc.

And thanks to all their hard work, the room now looks like this.

and this

and this

…and the living room now looks like this….

yep….i can now just sit on the sofa, press a button and get my dinner out of the microwave….or if i’m feeling particularly nergetic…i can send one of the kids to the fridge at the other end of the living room.

BUT.

As fascinating as this is for you all too read about, i have to tell you about the most embarrassing thing (almost) ever (almost because i have a very good story involving an unexpected visit from an Auntie, a dead sheep and being stranded in the middle of the Scottish countryside for 5 hours).

But i’ll save that for another day.

Today i had to go out and my parents came to house sit while i was gone. They also took Primadonna to school to do her last GCSE exam.

Congrats Primadonna! No more school! College starts in September, but she now has 3 months of doing absolutely the barest minumum of everything!

Anyway.

After i got home, Mum and Dad left and i ventured into the kitchen to find the workmen had gone….and on top of the washing machine was the flask along with the coffee, sugar and tea bags etc that I’d left the workmen, so i didn’t have to keep making drinks for them all day.

Nothing unusual there then….except for when my eyes spotted something strangely familiar and suddenly my jaw hit the floor.

I stood in the middle of the room and said aloud…

‘OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!”

(or something very similar.)

Because those workmen had certainly got more than they had bargained for when they ripped out my kitchen cupboards this afternoon.

Well, y’see, i have this habit of flinging things on top of the wall units to keep them out of the kids reach…when i smoked years ago i would throw my lighters up there…when i was quitting smoking i’d chuck my fags (cigarettes) up there….when i bought the (unbeknownst to me) racy Mills and Boon from the Church Summer Fair….I threw it up there when after reading the first few pages while stirring the spaghetti bolognese…i realised that my cheeks were getting as red as the pasta sauce I was making! I also used to throw up there anything Wonderboy used to use to make loud annoying, repetitive noises….and especially his ‘weapons’…plastic swords, plastic zulu type spit- paper- through- tube thingies etc.

of course, i’d never throw anything up there while Wonderboy was around.

He’s just say things like,

‘Mum, have you seen my plastic real life Action Man power sword that lights up and makes 23,000 different noises’

To which I would reply,

“No, Wonderboy, let me help you look for that”

Or okay, if ‘m honest i would say,

“I’m sure I’ve seen it just the other day……hey, I know where…check upstairs….”

Sometimes he would be lookin’ for days.

tee-hee.

But I should have known better.

Because wouldn’t you just know that I forgot all about eveything I threw up there of mine?

Of course.

So, no, in case you’re wondering why i’m getting this worked up over the Mills and Boon book I tossed up there…it wasn’t the most embarrassing thing. Not by a long shot.

The really embarrassing thing was that some years ago I had wanted to explain the ‘birds and the bees’ to my daughter and so i’d bought a book called ‘Let’s talk about Sex’, thinking it might help me to communicate with her on this ‘sensitive’ topic.

It didn’t. Don’t buy it.

After reading only a insy winsy bit of it i knew i couldn’t possibly use this book to teach my children about sex….and anyway… my son came home from primary school aged 5 or 6 and told me he knew all about the choo-choo train going into the tunnel and that it meant…. ‘making babies’….snigger.

I therefore knew it was uneccessary for me to do the sex talk thing.

Of course, I might have to worry when Wonderboy’s older, if his future wife complains that he spends more time trainspotting than with her, but for now I think he knows what he needs to know. Actually, he’s 12 years old and I think he knows far more than he needs to know, that’s for sure.

So anyway, where do you think I threw this book about sex?

I threw it on the flippin’ cupboard….. and I forgot all about it, didn’t I!

Well, St. Anthony must have been chuckling his head near-off this afternoon when what was once gone was found again, in the hands of all those burly workmen!

Groan.

BUT there is more…

There was a photo.

No, this is not a picture of yours truly pictured in a compromising encounter…..in fact, I swear that it does NOT feature myself nor anyone else I know.. though i do have it on good authority that a prostitute inhabited the house before me (there were men’ s names written in lipstick on the walls and ceiling of my bedroom when i moved here….with ticks next to their names…like, they were ‘done with’ if you get my drift) so it could well be a picture of her (I never met her, I don’t know) . And do you KNOW how hard it is to paint over red lipstick on the ceiling?

…but OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOLLLYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHH…these workmen are going to think i’m a right nympho when they come back to work tomorrow. Especially if they think that the ‘she’ in the photo was once a slim version of ‘me’.

I had to stifle a giggle when the workmens supervisor visited me to check on the work the guys had done thus far….he had his shirt unbuttoned almost half way down his chest and I’m sure there was a twinkle in his eye.

(perhaps the news has spread already?)!

OHMYGOSH!!!

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11 Responses to Let’s talk about sex (Adult Content, kinda)

  1. Rosemary says:

    Deb, I’m chuckling. At least they weren’t there when you found the stuff, watching your reaction. LOL I’m sure they’ve found a lot worse in other houses. You know, the way things are these days this stuff they probably hardly noticed. Still, I understand your feelings.

  2. Sarah says:

    All I could think whilst reading this was, “Oh, shite!” Thanks for the giggles!!

  3. Suzanne says:

    Doesn’t thing like this just throw you?!
    Well, still, those ol guys have probably looked
    at the worst of the worst and think this is
    lite stuff.

  4. Adrienne says:

    Sounds like this is shaping up to be a very good remodel:)

  5. Melanie says:

    Oh, my goodness, I laughed harder as I read each line of this entry! I’m sure they had something fun to talk about over dinner! LOL

  6. Karen H. says:

    hysterical.

    About 20 years ago I was helping a friend move. She had two boys, aged 13 or so and 11. She’d pretty much lcean everything out of the houise, and I was helping her do a final walk through room by room to see if something had been missed. In one of the bedrooms I spied what seemed to be a magazine on a closet shelf, I could barely see the edge of it.

    Innocently I said “hey, there’s a magazine up there.”

    Mother and eldest son looked at each other for an instance and both lunged for it. “Bob” swiped it first and started to run out the door with it before his mom collar him. “BOB, I thought I threw that away myself in the garbage can!” They both laughed and she made him give it up and she again threw it in with the waste to be removed. I’m betting Bob went back and retrieved it. I forget if it was Playboy or Hustler but definitely something of that nature.

  7. Shirley says:

    Hi Deb, first, where are your Ecards I wish to send one please? They are not here? Also to add a bit of amuselment to your “Let’s talk sex” here, I will tell you all a true story, that happened only this last year 2007, and you may be able to recall some/part of it.

    Luke, (or Lucas, as he prefers to be called), celebrated his 18th birthday, and his mates for a laugh, bought him a £6.99 blow up pvc doll, which stood 5′ tall when blown up. He “dressed her” in a dress, and had her in his bedroom…..(bare in mind Deb’s friend’s, Debbie works on a Friday here in the Presbytery, where I am married to Debbie’s Parish Priest, Fr Peter, and he is the father to Luke.

    Deb works doing the Church bulletin, so may be aware of this 18th prank birthday present Luke recieved, I can’t remember if we told her or not…but she’ll know now)! We have 2 cavalier King Charles dogs called Ben (aka Benedict xvi) and Joe, (aka Joseph Ratzinger)!. Well Ben, the much more timid one of the two, was frightened of this blow up doll, which stood up in the corner of our son’s bedroom as an ornament, he thought it was a great laugh to have this evil thing on view for when his mates would come round, and so everytime Ben our dog saw it, he use to bark non stop at it all the time. Enough, was enough! One day on the few days I could enter his room, and it wasn’t locked, I decided to put on a gas mask and fumigate his room, being a teenager!!!

    The doll had to go!

    His birthday was over, and his cards had long been put in the recycle bin outside the house, so it was now time to ‘bury’ this silly teenager’s joke of a present. I couldn’t put it in the bin outside the house, as it was next to the Church,….couldn’t have the poor old ladies thinking there was a corpse in the Church bin at first glance! So I threw it where I didn’t think it would be seen….like Deb, not on top of a cupboard, but down our cellar which has 5 rooms!!! I just threw it in the furthest one away from the staircase. We don’t go down there very much, the electric meter man goes down there, but that is in a different room to where I “hid” it!

    Imagine my horror when we asked for volunteers from Church after Ephinany, to help return the crib statues back down to the cellar in the presbytery, where we kept them, I’d forgotten I had slung the blown up doll, complete with dress down there, lying on the floor next to some unused christmas baubles! The two men parishioners who helped were rolling around in stitches at what they had found, and I still don’t believe they believed the doll was an 18th birthday present to our son as a joke from his friends. It raised a few awkward and embarrassing explanations, but I soon punctured the damn thing, after it had caused enough laughter at Fr’s expense, and I descreetly threw it in the skip we had outside late one night, hoping no-one would go rummaging through, (as they do).

    We often had the Ethiopians rummaging through every time they used the Church whilst we were having renevation work done, and take out of the skip anything they found useful…..we use to watch them from inside the presbytery unaware they were being watched on the CCTV camera! I certainly couldn’t chance them finding this doll again! So wasn’t I glad to see the skip was getting emptied next day! I am certain Luke’s friend’s had no idea how much embarrassment their joke of a present was to cause, but it is a story that I am sure will get told many times around a dinner table when entertaining!

    I can only add, wasn’t I glad too, Deb didn’t bring her camera and take shots of it like she has shown on her wonderful blog of her workmen’s finds. No wonder your workman came round afterwards Deb with his shirt half unbuttoned! LOL!

    Oh, it has cheered me up reading that, after feeling fed up. I just HAD to add our embarrassing but true story, to share with you all, and just for the record…I am a very, happily married wife, and I hope my husband would say the same! He he! Please can I be cheeky and take this oppotunity of asking you all to pray for me especially as I face my 3rd yr exams in 5 weeks time, which I am absolutely dreading! Thankyou, and God Bless. Shirley X

  8. LOL! Ooops!

    If the workmen ask if you want to see their drills-flee!

  9. Mum6kids says:

    LOL Deb!
    I have had books like that-utterly useless-went in the bin. NO in those circumstances I decided not to recycle!

  10. Well this gave me a good laugh Debs, because the samething happened to us a few weeks after we had moved into our house-an older Victorian style property. One evening husb and I were lying in bed and I felt a spot on my face , then aother then a splash of water and we jumped up, having been awoken with a deluge of water coming through the roof. We moved the bed to a different area and put out bowls and buckets (like you do)and moved to another bedroom, calling out roofers the next day.

    They were very chummy (husband out while I had to deal with them)and said, laughing, they had left the old tiles in the garden. I paid them, then they went and I went out to look at the work, which was excellent. I was very pleased, till I looked down to the damaged tiles on the floor, and there-neatly piled up, along with the tiles were six soaking wet mens porno mags! Die of embarassment? Yeah!! My hubs thought it was h i l a ri o u s!! hmmmm!to make things worse, the roofer was married to a friend! I did explain but chuckled to think the last owners of the house had climbed into the loft to stop up the hole in the roof with these things!!! Had to share that……

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