Isn’t it ridiculous that amidst the throws of a vastly confused and pained state, one can become so delirious as to plead with God to extinguish one’s life and end one’s suffering?
Last night was better than the night before, and because I am not as prayerful as I once, when i went to bed last night I merely placed my head on the pillow and said,
‘okay God, so you won that one’.
Not generally being so dispirrited that I plead for God to take my life, I put this down to the extreme feverishness and pain that i have been in over recent day and nights.
The preceeding night however, darling mother had prayed by my bedside and soothed my soul and perhaps even my bout of illness with her gentle and comforting words… but i am not in a good mood with God of late and was not so ready to accept her gentle words to me that ‘God was with me’.
But troubled though my relationship with God may be, devoid of exacerbated pain and fever, not for one moment do I believe I would have said
‘okay Lord, i give up, take me…mum is here, the kids will not be alone to find me in an unwakeable state in my bed tomorrow morning’
(fever with a touch of melodrama huh?)
But as it happens, I slept i think for an hour or two all that night, and was soon to learn that it wasn’t my time to expire and that while one can feel as though they are dying, they are in fact, and will remain, until such time as the demise of the time given by God for their allotted lifespan, to be given breathe to breathe.
Whether we particularly want it or not.
“….weeping comes for the night; but at dawn there is rejoicing”
But as resigned as I had been in my fevered state, to death, I found myself accepting of life when the morning came, and despite my pain, the fever subsided a little.
For though I do not fear death itself, except for the pain that my loss would cause my dear loved ones, i felt rather foolish when the strands of coherent thought began to take shape in my head.
And then a realisation occurred to me….perhaps it just might be that i need to live a longer life on this earth, quite because i am so far removed from being prepared for life eternal, in heaven at least?
My ‘dark night’ seems almost perpetual (on a daily, non fevered basis), but while I have a breath within me, i choose to live even in the darkness, in the hope that I might one day walk in the light.
And so it should be that I plead to live, regardless of my situation, because while my flesh may be ready to give itself up, my soul is far from prepared for Heaven.
There is still much to be done.