I’ve been experiencing the extreme version of life’s big dipper ride of late…it seems that I get stuck on the ‘lows’ rather too frequently for comfort and the highs are far too fleeting for me to grasp on to for any length of time.
In other words…. life has sucked big time lately.
I can’t seem to move on from this horrible feeling of being oppressed by circumstances that are utterly beyond my control to do anything about, and because these feelings relate to matters that are deeply personal, they hurt more than can be imagined.
Try as i might to get on with life, life can not be got on with when ones family has been so abruptly torn apart, when rejection has been so absolute, when love is not reciprocated.
So i do the menial stuff of life, not that the ‘stuff’ is menial in itself, but because of the imposing nature of my sorrow, the stuff of life seems but small and insignificant to be getting on with…and yet in their own way, the necessary tasks and responsibilities of life to be gotten on with, are getting me through each day.
Spiritually, i feel as though i am at my lowest ebb.
I do believe. God knows i believe…. but I see and hear no responses to my prayers and at times i find it frustrating and it angers me that my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears.
The garden of my faith, long sewn and grown, though now perhaps not tended so well – the fault, my own – still has me believing that there is a God, a God who cares, who weeps with me…..a God who tells me that free will is given to all and that this thing may not be resolved, not because God doesn’t will it, but because as individuals, we must choose to love.
And that love can not be forced but freely given.
For me, in my anguish, this is not good enough. Airy fairy ‘let it be’ is not an option.
And so it goes…out of the depths I cry unto the Lord…