Out of the Depths

I’ve been experiencing the extreme version of  life’s big dipper ride of late…it seems that I get stuck on the ‘lows’ rather too frequently for comfort and the highs are far too fleeting for me to grasp on to for any length of time.

In other words…. life has sucked big time lately.

I can’t seem to move on from this horrible feeling of being oppressed by circumstances that are utterly beyond my control to do anything about, and because these feelings relate to matters that are deeply personal, they hurt more than can be imagined.

Try as i might to get on with life, life can not be got on with when ones family has been so abruptly torn apart, when rejection has been so absolute, when love is not reciprocated.

So i do the menial stuff of life, not that the ‘stuff’ is  menial in itself, but because of the imposing nature of my sorrow, the stuff of life seems but small and insignificant  to be getting on with…and yet in their own way, the necessary tasks and responsibilities of life to be gotten on with, are getting me through each day.

Spiritually, i feel as though i am at my lowest ebb.

I do believe.  God knows i believe…. but I see and hear no responses to my prayers and at times i find it frustrating and it angers me that my prayers seem to fall on deaf ears.

The garden of my faith, long sewn and grown, though now perhaps not tended so well – the fault, my own – still has me believing that there is a God, a God who cares, who weeps with me…..a God who tells me that free will is given to all and that this thing may not be resolved, not because God doesn’t will it, but because as individuals, we must choose to love.

And that love can not be forced but freely given.

For me, in my anguish, this is not good enough.  Airy fairy ‘let it be’ is not an option.

And so it goes…out of the depths I cry unto the Lord…

 

 

 

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17 Responses to Out of the Depths

  1. Therese says:

    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))) and prayers for you Deb.

  2. Scotty says:

    You are so wise, even in the depths of your anguish lass. Praying that God will draw near to you and speak words of comfort – and that He will grant you the desire of your heart. xxx

  3. I am familiar with very deep depressions & lows sometimes circumstantial but often biological in origin..I sympathise..things will improve..but the sure path is suffering & agony. I will pray especially..

  4. Valerie says:

    Oh Deb, I truly know from where you speak. I went through exactly the same thoughts/feelings when Sara left our house – and rejected us and our values and our faith. I’m sure you remember me going through this, because you were always so supportive and kept me close in your prayers. All I can say is that your son still does love you, period. He is blinded right now by shallow promises and the enticements which evil promises him to be fulfilling. Like the Prodigal Son, he WILL return someday – but we don’t know when. I didn’t know when SAra was going to come back (in fact, I wasn’t even entirely convinced she would come back), and I was so depressed that I, like you, could barely do the daily things which were required of me. But, she DID return – and come to find out, she did miss me everyday (just as your son is missing you) and she cried herself to sleep every night. SHe feels horrible for what she did to the family, just as your repentant son will say to you someday. You have laid a foundation of faith and love which is so strong, and it’s being tested right now, but because of that foundation, he will come back. I prayed the 54 day rosary novena 4 times while Sara was gone. I prayed to St. Monica, the patron mother of saints. I prayed the St. Jude novena (9 days) several times. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I had people all over the world praying for her and her safe return, just as you do. I had her on several prayer chains. I am concerned for you, because I know how emotionally exhausting this can be. Even though Sara has been home almost 3 months now, I am STILL recovering from that exhaustion which is physical, emotional, and spiritual in nature. Miracles can and do happen, and I believe that your son will return. I honestly do. If you ever need to talk, you have my email. God bless you, my friend.

  5. Kelly says:

    You remain, as always, in my prayers. Good will come of this – in His time – so keep HOPE in your sights. Look to Saint Monica for your inspiration – I know that she has helped me in my life.

  6. Suzanne says:

    Deb,
    Valerie wrote a beautiful message and I know you know that, truly, but I just came here to add to encouraging you to read that over and even make a copy of her message. It is all we have. I still have one who has left the faith in almost every way. I don’t understand it for the life of me because she has been given so much.
    Perhaps now, it is feeling badly about coming back, but I don’t think so, because there are other Masses or churches besides the one we attend where she would feel free to be herself, you know. Now, she is an adult and she lives away from home, but this whole thing has put a painful tear at all of our hearts and doesn’t seem to be going to be resolved for sometime and so the prayers, the prayers…
    they must continue and the little goodly works that you CAN do in someway…not necessarily to spoil or to coerce or what have you, just whatever really is in the heart and perhaps only here and there. Noone can take away everything you want to do for your situation..they may think they can, but only God will see the good things through. Be faithfu and know we are going to pray for one another as much as we can. Enjoy your daughter…I know you are…it is so so important that you continue to do that…let her see you happy cause you love her…I know you do..just don’t forget they can read between the lines sometimes and we cannot fool them. Be genuine with her and your time if nothing else..continue to do that..she has that right and it will help. Continue to encourage your parents and daughter to do the little things that they can for love of your son too…knowing though, like Valerie said..he is blinded..he is so young and the world is just something else to him right now…all those false bright lights and enticements, so to speak. God knows this. We love and encourage one another..that is also what God wants. Amen…love, Suzanne

  7. Mimi says:

    Valerie’s message is so beautiful. My prayers and love, dear Deb.

  8. Sarah says:

    Loads of hugs . . . I will pray more ardently for you, my dear!

  9. Oh Deb,lots of prayers coming your way. This too will pass. Valerie mentioned St. Jude. Today is his feast day. He’s one of my favorite saints and a VERY powerful intercessor. You might ask for his intercession. He has brought about astonishing results to prayer in my life. Take good care of yourself. God is in charge.

  10. saintos says:

    Hey, Deb, it’s a thin but a strong chord you are holding on to and the One at the other end is never gonna let go – he’s been holding on to me for quite some time now. ((X))

  11. Mary Lou Skoblick says:

    Oh, Debbie, I know you are hurting. And that emotional pain is pure hell. So many love you and all wish they could help you, I know that. Maybe we can, we are all praying for you. Hold onto the hand of the Lord, I know that He will help you through your heartache.

  12. Jean says:

    Dear Deb,

    I am so sorry you are hurting. I want you to know that even though you don’t feel it, God loves you so much and that I do, too. You are such a dear friend — please know that I am lifting you up in prayer right now, and you will remain in not only my prayers, but in my family’s prayers, as well. We all go through dark periods in our lives and like Rosemary said know that this, too, will pass. When I get frustrated and upset about things I give them to Mother Mary — who, in turn, pleads with her Son on my behalf. She knows what you are going through. I also spend time in Adoration and just surrender my heart to Him — no words are necessary. Keep your eyes fixed on the One you love — He will not disappoint. When the time is right, His answer to Your prayers will exceed your expectations. In the meantime, take good care of yourself. As Padre Pio says, “Pray, hope, and don’t worry.”

    (((Hugs, Deb)))

    Love & prayers,
    Jean

  13. caedmon says:

    Amen and amen.

  14. Angela says:

    This situation underlies the old adage “a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.” He will realize what’s he’s missing. It may be sooner than you think. I have found The Novena to the Infant of Prague
    to be very helpful.

    *************************************************************

    This prayer is recited at the same time every hour for nine consecutive hours in one day. It is used by supplicants with urgent requests that cannot wait for the nine days required for most novenas.

    O Jesus, You have said, “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you.” Through the intercession of Mary, Your Most Holy Mother, I knock, I seek, I ask that my prayer be granted.

    (Make your request)

    O Jesus, You have said, “All that you ask of the Father in My Name, He will grant you.” Through the intercession of Mary, Your Most Holy Mother, I humbly and urgently ask Your Father in Your Name that my prayer be granted.

    (Make your request)

    O Jesus, you have said, “Heaven and earth shall pass away but My word shall not pass.” Through the intercession of Mary, Your Most Holy Mother, I feel confident that my prayer will be granted.

    (Make your request)

    Amen.

  15. Mrs.Pogle says:

    I haven’t been active around the blogosphere much lately so missed this, but I am sorry to hear things have been so tough for you.
    I will add you to my St. Therese prayer list.
    God bless, keep and protect you & yours,
    Mrs.P xx

  16. I really stopped by to wish you a Happy New Year, but this post caught my eye so this is where I ended up. “Out of the Depths”. I’ve been there and back many times.

    My heart goes out to you. I have 6 children and each of them has rejected me at different times. Now they are grown, have children and grandchildren. Each child has reconciled eventually (one is politely caring and helpful – but her anti-Catholic stance creates a barrier I can’t cross) I say this in sympathy for your heartbreak. None of us can ease your pain, but we support you in prayer. Many of us know how this sorrow saps the very life from you, leaving you unable to function as you should. We will keep WonderBoy in our prayers.

    I’m sorry I haven’t been a faithful reader for your blog and others I wanted to visit. This has been a very difficult year for hubby and me. We have age-related health issues that keep me from following regularly. I neglected my own blog, posting by bits and spurts with many absences.

    May you continue in Hope for reconciliation. God is very near to the broken-hearted. He is doing a work in the whole family and someday you will see that what seems like a step backward is really a step forward in God’s plan. Hang on, dear Deb, for however long it takes.

    God Bless you and yours

    • ukok says:

      Dear Maryellen, i read your awesome comment after you wrote it, but am only just getting around to responding to comments. Your comment was such an encouragement to me, i am continually bowled over at how many people seem to care about me and mine. Your prayers have surely helped me to continue getting through my difficulties.

      I’m so sorry you and your hubby have been having so many illnesses, please be assured that I pray and offer my prayer intentions at weekly Mass, for all my blog readers and cyber friends. Also, please never feel any regret for not visiting more frequently, no apologies re ever necessary for such things. We all have our lives to be getting on with 🙂

      (((big hugs)))

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