I really am totally and utterly useless at following through with things sometimes, not least, only just remembering before the close of the day, that i had promised a ‘proper’ post.
So, as you should expect if you know me by now, you’re going to get my jumbled ramblings instead. That’s as ‘proper’ as it gets around here.
Bullet points should work well for this, so without further ado…
- It’s hard not to start a list of stuff i’ve been up to and experiencing, with a certain deluge of incoherence, so instead I shall try to be as succinct as it is possible for me to be. Bullet point 1 then, is that a lot of things have been going on for/with me over the last few weeks…it seems appropriate to mention, during this liturgical season, that i have done my absolute utmost to turn a ‘blind eye’ to God throughout Lent. I know He is here/there/everwhere….but i have ignored Him as best I could. I am having a tough time with living my faith…i know this goes back to when the crap hit the fan at my former parish and i became totally bereft and my misplaced faith in certain individuals hurt me deeply. Since that time both my children have fallen away from the church. Yep, now Wondergirl doesn’t even go to Mass with me. So i guess you could say, what happened spiritually devasted not only me, but my children’s also. All this time later you would probably think i should be ‘over it’ but i still feel wounded and the effect it is having on my settling into another parish and placing my trust in another member of the priesthood is extraordinarily difficult. So let me say this, i am living my faith in an obligatory manner at the moment, because i have lost much of the joy with which i used to practice my faith. To be honest, i don;t see that changing any time soon.
- Health wise…well, lets split this into 2 different bullet points….the first point dealing with my psychological wellbeing. Over the 9-12 months i have been suffering an incredible amount of anxiety and have been having panic attacks, in addition to this some six or so months ago i was diagnosed with suffering with depression. For about the last 4 months a ‘counsellor’ type person has been helping me to tackle the anxiety and panic attacks (we are dealing with the depression issue later – though i am prescribed meds for it). For 3 of the 4 months he has been working with me (we speak on the phone and have met a couple of times) I have felt absolutely no benefit at all and have almost jacked it in on a number of occassions, but i am persevering with it… and i am trying to make a concerted effort to overcome the panic attacks and to bring down my anxiety levels and finally, working with this chappie is beginning to pay small dividends. On the depression front, well, depression is no stranger to me, so it is important that i admit that i have it and not be ashamed of myself for having it, though i guess i still am, because even as i write this i worry that readers will pigeon hole me as being a fruitloop. From my early struggles with depression there was such a stigma to having a mental health ‘issue’ that it is hard, even now, to admit it, especially here, where i am, in a way, at my most vulnerable (gosh, what a lot of commas!). But like my dear Mum has always said, if you have a broken arm, you get treatment for it, if you have depression, you get help to enable you to live your life as well as you can. It’s a health problem, it’s not something shameful. That’s why i’m exposing this part of my struggles publically here. Gulp!
- The second health point is to do with my physical health. For years now I have endured excruciating daily headaches and eye pain and frequent migraines…I also tend towards high blood pressure and have asthma. Well the pain has been a pain, as usual…and the asthma has been and continues to be out of whack…at the doc’s request i’m recording my peak flow measurements daily and have had a chest infection recently, but for months before i had it and even now it’s gone my asthma is leaving me very breathless, very regulalry and I am on some pretty heavy asthma medication. In addition to this, you may remember that i mentioned the doctor picking up on raised glucose levels in my blood….well after many blood tests …and many bloods that were drawn but not tested….the doc asked me when i saw her about 10 days ago, to have one more set of bloods tested. Well, yesterday I phoned for the results of this last blood test and was asked by the doctor’s receptionist to make an appointment with the doctor as my results from the fasting blood test were once again raised. I don’t know what this means but i have an appointment to see my doctor next week so hopefully then i will know one way or the other what is going on as to whether i am glucose intolerant (pre-diabetic) or whether I have diabetes. (I also had the HB1 (?) blood test again – the every 12 weeks test that shows your average glucose levels…so the nurse told me -so will be interested to see what the doc says about it all).
- Okay, time for an injection of somehting positive…when i have felt up to it i have been pottering around in my garden and growing some seedlings etc. I hope to put up some posts about it all eventually. I aim to grow enough veggies (and hopefully a little fruit) to make many a meal throughout summer and if growing is prolific i shall dehydrate any excess and store it to use throughout autumn and winter. I have become obsessed with checking my seedlings. I’ve had a few ‘no shows’ and that is only to be expected for an inexperienced veg grower (or maybe it was some duff seed LOL!). At the moment I am growing courgette, onions, tomatoes, carrots, lettuce and two types of potatoes. I also bought some £1 fruit bushes from the cheapie shop, but don’t expect much from them, especially not this year. I found an online voucher code for Suttons seeds that knocks £5 off a £10 spend and ordered some more seeds so will eventually be sowing seeds for strawberries, aubergines, sugar snap peas, leeks, cobnut squash and some other stuff i can’t now remember. This endeavour pleases me. I don’t usually use the garden ….when the kids were small, they would play all day out there, but this past couple of yearsi have only gone in it to hang the washing or to fetch the dog in (and clean up after her). Having the veg growing to focus on is helping to take my mind of things and since it is all being done in raised beds and containers, there is no digging or tilling of the land to be done. I have to do a little and rest a lot, but i am enjoying it, even if the breathlessness is both annoying and frustrating.
- On the family front things are much as they were before. Difficult. In the past, whenever i have heard of a child raised in a single parent family, going to live with their other parent, i have always thought that it was a bit odd. Why would any child who is loved, nurtured and well cared for want to leave the parent who has stood by and provided for them, stayed up with them night after night when they were ill, taught them how to pee like a man/woman (i used to draw a ‘target’ circle in the toilet bowl LOL!), bent over backwards and upside down to accomodate and enrich their child’s life…why oh the bloody hell why, would that kid choose to sever the tie and opt, nay, demand to be allowed to go and live with the other parent? Having lived through this very nightmare myself, I have a whole new appreciation for mothers/fathers of difficult/troubled/confused children who want to go to live with their otherswise (almost) absent parent. I wish i hadn’t had to learn such a hard lesson at point blank range, but there we have it. Life is like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates after all….you just never know what you’re gonna get. Wonderboy and I now have regular contact but it is very stressful when he visits as he is unwilling to talk about what he is doing at school, what he has been doing at home, where he goes and who he spends time with. There are so many ‘no go’ areas of conversation that we can sit for hours in silence when he visits. From having raised him alone for 10 years and up to a couple of years ago, having an exceptionally close relationship with him, I find this completely impossible to get my head around. On the upside, i am learning to appreciate that the stress of having him here all the time, along with his ATTITUDE, is now very much diminished and both myself and his sister are no longer treading on eggshells day and night, now we just do that when he visits. Disadvantageously, he will be 15 this year and there is very little by the way of common interests that we share and so when he is here, there is little for him to do here. It’s a whole heap of crap, that’s what this situation is, but i am learning to live with him not being here. Mostly i use the avoidance technique of trying to block it from my mind as it causes me too much distress to dwell on it.
So, there we have it. Hope you are all plodding on ok.