‘Who am I now?’
I suppose I have been struggling to find an answer to that question for some time.
Since Wonderboy left home aged 14.
Because it isn’t ‘normal’ is it.
For a child to want to leave the family home when the family home is stable and loving and nurturing…
I still feel like i failed as a mother.
This is what hurts the most.
That he wanted so much, to leave.
Thank God for Wondergirl.
She is articulate, bright, beautiful, compassionate and responsible and her existance counsells me that actually, i haven’t failed as a mother. (Yes, my son has many qualities also).
There were difficult circumstances.
Extraordinary and challenging circumstances.
This is not my fault.
Though i made errors, i did not reject my son.
So who am I now?
I am still my son’s mother.
Deep down i know that though things have changed, I haven’t changed in the ways that matter. I am still who i was before…maybe a little more battle weary…maybe a little more subdued…maybe my unseen injuries are like ‘war wounds’ that give one jip from time to time…sometimes the pain just eats at you until you feel you can hardly bear it….other times you could almost forget it is there….except for the low, dull ache that has become as familiar to you as your right arm ( or left).
And just like you forget you have an arm…because you are so used to having it….you forget the low, dull ache that is a carry over from where your heart was fragmented and then pieced slowly back together.
So this is who i am.
I am a mother of two children.
My eldest child, now an adult, lives at home, my son, a young teen, decided he wanted to live with his father and left the family home.
It grates against everything i ever wanted for my family, but it is what it is and it is time to accept that it is done.
Time now, to enjoy, in so far as it is possible, one anothers company on the days when we do see one another.
For he is still my son and i am still his mother.
It has felt like a period of gestation.
That is how long it has been.
How loing i have carried the burden of feeling like a failure.
I don’t expect those feelings to disappear any time soon.
But i am no longer prepared to leave them unchallenged.
Tomorrow (June 1st) is the first birthday i will have had (since my son was born) where i don’t wake up to Wonderboy and Wondergirl excitedly bringing me tea in bed armed with cards and small gifts.
But i am still going to see Wonderboy tomorrow afternoon, and that is okay.
Yes, i sense it really is going to be okay.
Even if it is not.
Even if there is high drama.
Even if there are frayed tempers.
It is going to be alright.