Who am I now?

‘Who am I now?’

I suppose I have been struggling to find an answer to that question for some time.

Since Wonderboy left home aged 14.

Because it isn’t ‘normal’ is it.

For a child to want to leave the family home when the family home is stable and loving and nurturing…

I still feel like i failed as a mother.

This is what hurts the most.

That he wanted so much, to leave.

Thank God for Wondergirl.

She is articulate, bright, beautiful, compassionate and responsible and her existance counsells me that actually,  i haven’t failed as a mother. (Yes, my son has many qualities also).

There were difficult circumstances.

Extraordinary and challenging circumstances.

This is not my fault.

Though i made errors, i did not reject my son.

So who am I now?

I am still my son’s mother.

Deep down i know that though things have changed, I haven’t changed in the ways that matter. I am still who i was before…maybe a little more battle weary…maybe a little more subdued…maybe my unseen injuries are like ‘war wounds’ that give one jip from time to time…sometimes the pain just eats at you until you feel you can hardly bear it….other times you could almost forget it is there….except for the low, dull ache that has become as familiar to you as your right arm ( or left).

And just like you forget you have an arm…because you are so used to having it….you forget the low, dull ache that is a carry over from where your heart was fragmented and then pieced slowly back together.

Again.

So this is who i am.

I am a mother of two children.

My eldest child, now an adult, lives at home, my son, a young teen, decided he wanted to live with his father and left the family home.

It grates against everything i ever wanted for my family, but it is what it is and it is time to accept that it is done.

Time now, to enjoy, in so far as it is possible, one anothers company on the days when we do see one another.

For he is still my son and i am still his mother.

9 months.

It has felt like a period of gestation.

That is how long it has been.

How loing i have carried the burden of feeling like a failure.

I don’t expect those feelings to disappear any time soon.

But i am no longer prepared to leave them unchallenged.

Tomorrow (June 1st)  is the first birthday i will have had (since my son was born) where i don’t wake up to Wonderboy and Wondergirl excitedly bringing me tea in bed armed with cards and small gifts.

But i am still going to see Wonderboy tomorrow afternoon, and that is okay.

Yes, i sense it really is going to be okay.

Even if it is not.

Even if there is high drama.

Even if there are frayed tempers.

It is going to be alright.

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17 Responses to Who am I now?

  1. Mimi says:

    It is indeed.
    Huge hugs and love to you!

  2. Jennifer says:

    I can only imagine the ache your feeling. I’ll say some prayers to St. Monica for you tonight. May tomorrow be wonderful. Happy Birthday!

  3. Alexa says:

    Happy Birthday to you, Deb. I hope this year improves as it goes along…

  4. Been there, done that, lived that nightmare dear Deb

    It all looks so dark now. It’s not what you want. But God knows all about it. He only sends us good gifts, even though they look like the worst case scenario, He will bring good out of it. It’s good that we can’t see the future, but we can always practice Hope because we know deep in our hearts that God is Faithful. He hears your prayers. It sounds like He’s saying “Wait, hang on”. Trust that He has a plan. He came to set us free and He will.

    Become like Monica. She prayed in Faith, believing. Be like St. Faustina who always said “Jesus, I trust in you”. Just keep saying it even if you don’t ‘feel’ it.
    Love and Prayers for you and yours

  5. stf says:

    you are NOT a failure
    and yes you are still mum to two precious gifts from God

    you are in transition – that is never easy but God is with you every step of the way

    thank you for sharing this with us

  6. stf says:

    oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY

    enjoy the moments with each of your children!

  7. Barbara says:

    You did not fail…. don’t be discouraged – don’t blame yourself.

    God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4 17&18

    Happy Birthday…

  8. John says:

    How many mothers suffer as you suffer? In my location the Feast of the Visitation is ending and I am offering your intentions in my prayers in a special way to Our Lady this evening.
    John

  9. You are NOT a failure! I know others here have said it but one more won’t hurt. Your son needs to make his own way–and it’s sooner than you would have wanted.

    Wishing you much happiness on your birthday, and health, happiness and PEACE for the coming year.

  10. christine kings says:

    Deb,you are a very good Mother and in no way a failure, you have devoted your life to your children ALWAYS putting them first,, you had to make some very difficult decisions not for yourself but for your childrens welfare WE know you certainly made the right ones.happy birthday dearest Deb we are so proud that you are our Daughter . enjoy your birthday meal today with both your children and us . God Bless you always lots of love Mum and Dad xxx

  11. Elena says:

    Happy Birthday to my blogging sister across the pond.

    My oldest kid moved out in February at age 20 1/2 – and that hurt too. I think it is part of being a mom to be a little hurt when they move out – especially if they go with great enthusiasm! But when your son looks back, I’m sure he will appreciate all that you did for him and I’m sure that he loves you very much.

    Now go do something nice for yourself today!

  12. Owen says:

    Arriving late as usual in blogland. A belated birthday greeting. May God grant you peace and strength. Who you are is his adopted child and a joint heir with Jesus Christ. May the daily trials ease somehow. Regardless, may you know his love for you.

  13. Suzanne says:

    Happy Birthday, Deb. I hope you have a lovely time with each of your children.
    We are going through something very similar..very painful, yet, like everyone has
    told you here, I will agree, that you are not a failed mother. We are losing our sons
    sooner than we had planned for them to figure out with God..a plan for their lives.
    We are still mothers..we still pray..we still in small kind notes let them know we love
    them and support them in all that is good ..in what we can. Today I was told ..he is
    not hopeless. Continue to take care of yourself, for you as a mother living are still
    a teacher and what they see is eventually more of how they will take care of themselves.
    They are both still watching and looking for the better part of you to follow..I am told.
    Surely, we “Do what we can and pray God will give the power to do what we cannot.”
    I am not sure where that quote came from, but it was passed onto me today.
    Suzanne

  14. Rose says:

    Happy birthday!

  15. Sarah Oldham says:

    Praying for you to receive many blessings this birthday . . . the beginning of a new year . . . filled with more blessings! You are spot on: you are a mum to two beautiful children. God bless you!

  16. Melanie says:

    Happy Birthday!!

  17. mum6kids says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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